the dream.

dream. doesn't that have a positive connotation? doesn't that make this not a dream, but a nightmare? awakening from a nightmare is hardly a small feat. waking from a dream, many a thing can waken [myself] from a dream, but a nightmare? never.

the life i'm living now is not a dream, but a nightmare. and i don't believe i understand the magnitude, much less have an idea of an escape. i cannot escape. this state of mind, this instability, this insanity, is taking over, has taken over, as i feel all control of my life and myself slip through my shaking fingers.

i don't know what to do, i don't know where to turn. either i want to run, yet have nowhere to run to, or i want to hide, yet know i'll be found. there's nowhere to hide either, for you can neither run nor hide from yourself. perhaps there is no monster chasing me, searching for me. perhaps i am the monster. i have become a monster, a self-destructive harmful hurtful unstable monster. harmful to others, no longer just myself. the instability creeping out, infected all aspects of my life, as i continue to self-destruct, hell-bent on destroying everything, sabotaging everything i have left.

everything i have left. what do i have left? i no longer have myself left, for this person i have become is hardly myself. for if it is..perhaps i have already awoken from a dream..a dream that i was normal, functional, human. for that is hardly what i am now. human. what does it mean to be human? biology notes spread out in front of me, concepts to understand, cases to know, and none of it helps. evolution of homo sapien. adaptation, variation, evolution, natural selection. was i selected, was it fate, for me to have this curse? was this curse nowt but a mutation, a genetic mistake? perhaps myself i was a mistake. afterall, i was born as a replacement. what is this curse, and how does one lift it? must i do this myself, alone? i hide from others, avoid any social contact, for the idea creates fear. fear of what? fear of people seeing this broken mess i most resemble? perhaps what i fear most is being feared. being the one no one wants to end up like. afterall, i never wanted this.

i never wanted this.

on the corner of first and amistad.

"just let me make my own decisions, mom. just trust me to make the right ones"

[even though I know I don't.]

"yes, mom, I'm happy"

[sometimes..]

"YES, MOM, I EAT. I don't think I'm fat. I'm not trying to lose weight. Yes, I agree that I'm beautiful."

[actually, I'm a large ugly cow in dire need of some starvation.]

"He's just a friend.."

[with benefits?]

lies, lies, lies. Every line in that is a lie -- whether I'm lying to my mother or to myself. Why? Have I really become this crazy unstable compulsive liar addicted to attention and sleeping with boys? No. I may have gone through an interesting couple of weeks..I am better than that. I am better than to ever think such thoughts about myself. I deserve the fucking world..and you know what? I'm going to go out there and get it.

WHY?

why the sudden change of heart? Why am I suddenly...ready, deciding, to make changes in my life? Because. I have realized I do not need to change who I am. I just need to change what I do. No more self-pity, no more scrutinizing imperfections, no more neglecting to take responsibility for my actions, no more lies. No. More. I'm better than that.

hello.

You can call me lily. No, I never capitalize my name. This is my blog.

I'm a blue-eyed-blonde living in the college town where I go to school. I'm in the process of finding true happiness and accepting myself...occasionally I have revelations or thoughts that I feel like writing down.

The biggest thing I have to do first, however, is awaken from the dream. :)