Tuesday, June 15, 2010

on the corner of first and amistad.

"just let me make my own decisions, mom. just trust me to make the right ones"
[even though I know I don't.]
"yes, mom, I'm happy"
"YES, MOM, I EAT. I don't think I'm fat. I'm not trying to lose weight. Yes, I agree that I'm beautiful."
[actually, I'm a large ugly cow in dire need of some starvation.]
"He's just a friend.."
[with benefits?]

lies, lies, lies. Every line in that is a lie -- whether I'm lying to my mother or to myself. Why? Have I really become this crazy unstable compulsive liar addicted to attention and sleeping with boys? No. I may have gone through an interesting couple of weeks..I am better than that. I am better than to ever think such thoughts about myself. I deserve the fucking world..and you know what? I'm going to go out there and get it.

why the sudden change of heart? Why am I suddenly...ready, deciding, to make changes in my life? Because. I have realized I do not need to change who I am. I just need to change what I do. No more self-pity, no more scrutinizing imperfections, no more neglecting to take responsibility for my actions, no more lies. No. More. I'm better than that.


You can call me lily. No, I never capitalize my name. This is my blog.

I'm a blue-eyed-blonde living in the college town where I go to school. I'm in the process of finding true happiness and accepting myself...occasionally I have revelations or thoughts that I feel like writing down.

The biggest thing I have to do first, however, is awaken from the dream. :)