Tuesday, June 15, 2010

on the corner of first and amistad.

"just let me make my own decisions, mom. just trust me to make the right ones"
[even though I know I don't.]
"yes, mom, I'm happy"
"YES, MOM, I EAT. I don't think I'm fat. I'm not trying to lose weight. Yes, I agree that I'm beautiful."
[actually, I'm a large ugly cow in dire need of some starvation.]
"He's just a friend.."
[with benefits?]

lies, lies, lies. Every line in that is a lie -- whether I'm lying to my mother or to myself. Why? Have I really become this crazy unstable compulsive liar addicted to attention and sleeping with boys? No. I may have gone through an interesting couple of weeks..I am better than that. I am better than to ever think such thoughts about myself. I deserve the fucking world..and you know what? I'm going to go out there and get it.

why the sudden change of heart? Why am I suddenly...ready, deciding, to make changes in my life? Because. I have realized I do not need to change who I am. I just need to change what I do. No more self-pity, no more scrutinizing imperfections, no more neglecting to take responsibility for my actions, no more lies. No. More. I'm better than that.


  1. hey this blog seems pretty interesting and your my 40th follower so what the hell!? new follower here :) xx

  2. It'll be ok. Mum's are like that, only mine's a bit more sarcastic.

    Thanks for the comment, I'm 5 foot 3 or 160cm. That gives me a BMI of like 21.5 at the moment with my bad baaaad weight gain.

    Chin up, chuck :)

  3. This is an amazing post... I agree completely. If we're just the combination of our histories and the decisions we make... it's never too late, right?

    And God, that conversation sounds familiar.

  4. I LOVE it when I find a blog where I can read all the posts and then follow and watch the posts grow!

    I lie ALL the time. I feel bad about it sometimes, but then I feel worse if I dont. Who knows the answer.

    To answer the question, I am funny with laxatives. As in I go weeks without taking any, then have a week where they are in abundance. Once I took 100 in a week. Which was stupid. And this week it is like 5 a day. But I am NOT taking any today. No, you are not Lola, thank you head.


  5. i'm fed up of lying to my mum too. Mums are so lovely and they only care about us. If only they knew that we loved them too, we just can't let them in as much as we can let in our desire to be thin... stay strong xxx